There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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