apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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