I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
