apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize