So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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