ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
In America we eat man semen.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize