he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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