im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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