thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
as a side note pls kill me
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