My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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