needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
