this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
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