All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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