maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
