i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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