The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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