You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
