My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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