I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
