Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
