But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
