suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize