uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
