So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
