I think I am morally bankrupt
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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