I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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