I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
