i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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