I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
