you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i dont even know how to be here
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
