Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
