Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
