Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
