Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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