I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
