I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
