Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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