Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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