I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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