We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
