I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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