If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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