Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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