I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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