Kiss
Puke
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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