Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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