is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he was CRYING into my vagina
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
