i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i drank out of a bidet.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
