I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
