3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
