do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
