Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
