You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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