Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
