R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Randomize
