just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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