You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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