I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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