I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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